Help
Sign In
air
February 2009 
fear
Posted on Jun 29th, 2008
by 
Missy
Missy
If you know me, you know that I have been ill from mold poisoning - I was exposed while working at Rockland Community College in NY. The past 3 years have been a flurry of medical appointments, worker's comp, long days in bed, many moments of fearing if I'll ever return to any quality of life. I have respiratory damage and have had short term memory issues from the exposure, as well as multiple chemical sensitivity - so can't be around chemicals, fragrances, perfumes, etc. It is hard to imagine how inconvenient and frustrating it is to live this way. Then again, I am always grateful for the many blessings I do have in my life, and try to remind myself of this. My life is good - I just have to get used to the disability that I live with now. That is how I have to look at it, or it will consume me.
Well, when you're sick all the time and never know what will set off your illness, you operate in a place of fear. I hate this place! I fight it daily and force myself to break out and challenge it. FEAR, you won't get the best of me. And today, this is how I fought fear: Despite the humidity, I had to get out of the house. I was so sick on Friday - had to stay home all day in bed - spent most of Saturday indoors resting and sleeping. And today, I said FEAR, stand aside - I'm going out to the town pool and I'm going to at least try to have a relatively normal moment. So despite the challenges of not sitting near people who are using fragrance/chemical sun tan lotion (which is not easy) and despite the humidity (I carry an inhaler everywhere I go) - I went. And I saw the diving board staring at me saying " you can't jump off of this - you're afraid. What happens if you can't breathe in deep enough? What happens if you swallow some water? What happens if (fill in the blank)??? Today, I said NO MORE FEAR. I went to the high diving board, wanted to cling on for dear life and said " don't overthink this one" and just jumped. Hey, if the 8 year old kids can spend 40 minutes straight doing it, I could do one lousy jump. And I did! And while I was underwater it felt like I'd never have air again. But I didn't panic. I just knew that I'd rise to the top and I'd be ok. And it was scary, but I DID IT. And even though for the 2 hours outside the house today I simply sat near the pool reading a book, used my inhaler to relieve the tightness in my chest and did have to come home and take a 2 hour nap, I overcame the fear of jumping off the board into deep water. Fear, you may have a grip on me 99% of the time, but today, I won over you! And I'll keep fighting until you're 1% of my day, not 99% of it.
Access: Public
I'm so glad I found you! I wrote about you in my blog The Canary Report a few days ago http://www.thecanaryreport.org/workers-complain-of-mold-mystery-toxins.html.
Thanks so much for sharing your day at the pool here, you are an inspiration for all of us with MCS. I've shared it also here http://www.thecanaryreport.org/no-more-fear.html. ;
I hope you'll come visit. I created an account here too, so hopefully we can connect one way or the other. Take care.